"I hate everything you just said." - Bruce Wayne
"The LEGO Batman Movie" will be released in theaters.
Being a lifelong fan of the Caped Crusader, it's even more difficult to believe I completely forgot to include it in my preview of the most notable 2017 genre films.
What diehard fan does that?!?
(Honest answer: One who has been so busy diving into writing feature/human interest stories for the NORWALK REFLECTOR and government stories -- and covering basketball for some extra moolah -- that's who.)
But don't worry, CCCers, Batman fans and true believers, I've got your back. Hang onto your cowl and buckle up your seatbelts (if they're equipped in your favorite Bat-vehicle!), because here's the loooong overdue, nearly second-by-second review of the Comic-Con trailer for "The Batman LEGO Movie."
Batman attempts to log into the Batcomputer to find the quickest route to bringing the Joker to Arkham Asylum ("no freeways") -- and that's when his trusty butler, Alfred Pennyworth informs him: "Hello, Master Bruce. I have just taken away your computer privilege." (0:15)
Yup, it's time for Alfred to step up further to the plate and play the father-figure he's always been! He lays down the law for the man who spends his spare time swimming with dolphins. (0:23)
Who does that?!? Batman - duh!
"It's time for you top stop this unsightly behavior. You can't spend the rest of your life dressed in black and staying up all night," Alfred tells him.
In other words, man up Batman! And Alfred drops one more fatherly bomb: "And that starts with taking care of your son," referring to the young man Wayne "adopted at the gala." (0:32)
You got it -- Dick Grayson/Robin the Boy Wonder has been introduced into the Batman LEGO continuity!
And he's freakin' hysterical. Even better: Robin gets some even funnier reactions from Will Arnett's Batman.
And no shocker here: Batman has no clue how to handle his adopted son.
At the 27-second mark, Batman (in a Hugh Hefner-like robe -- while still wearing his cowl) says "Good night, Alfred." Always the realist, Pennyworth is quick to remind the Caped Crusader "it's morning" and uses a remote control to open the drapes in Wayne Manor.
In what might considered an tip of the cowl to "Batman Forever," Grayson finds his way into the Batcave. He just geeks out at what he sees; I mean, who wouldn't?! Aaaand bumps into Batman. (0:50-1:00)
Grayson's reaction is priceless: "Batman? Woah." But only to be outdone by the Dark Knight himself: "You're darn right 'woah.'" (1:01)
"Wait. Does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?" The response? Full-on Batman logic: "No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic." (1:04)
The highlight of this trailer -- and the subsequent variations -- is Grayson getting geeked about all the different outfits Batman owns.
After a montage of the overly enthusiastic boy trying on several costumes, he chooses the "Reggae Man" costume. But it needs some adjusting once he puts it on. (1:19)
You could almost see it coming since the would-be Robin is wearing striped pants that are "a little tight" with what otherwise looks like the classic Boy Wonder costume. But it's nothing but hilarious.
"Riiiip" (Yes, Robin actually says this!) He rips off the ultra-gawdy pants, revealing his bare legs -- and throws them right into Batman's face.
Batman: "I can only look you in the eyes right now."
Needless to say "The LEGO Batman Movie" wouldn't be a Batman and Robin story without Grayson getting the grumpy Dark Knight to take him on as his partner/sidekick. Batman naturally asks him if he's ready to learn some lessons from him.
But Robin has an immediate problem in the Batmobile: "Where's the seatbelt?"
In the trailer featuring Barbara Gordon (the new police commissioner -- holy "Batman Beyond" homage, Batman!), she and Robin are crammed into the cockpit of the Batmobile with Batman. She wants to know why there aren't three seats.
Batman: "Uh, cuz last time I checked I only have one butt."
So yeah, no seatbelts in the Batmobile is a problem. As you'll soon find out. ...
Oh, but Batman quickly stops being such a hard nut to crack when he and Robin are blasting through the streets of Gotham City. And the Caped Crusader has to slam on the brakes for an elderly mother crossing the street! (1:58)
Of course, Robin doesn't have a seatbelt, so his head slams into the dashboard.
"Oh my goodness. I am so sorry," says Batman, as he awkwardly tries to get the boy sitting up properly.
The clueless Caped Crusader's parental instincts kick in. Finally! Even more awkwardly, Batman attempts to protect Robin with his arm as he slowly drives away.
"Soon as I get back to the Batcave I will make sure that Alfred puts seatbelts on there. But for the time being I’m just going to put my arm right here and we’re just going to gently ease out of here. Real gentle like." (2:00)
You must see it to believe it.
Batman at one point devastates the Joker that he isn't is his greatest enemy by telling him Superman is.
The Joker: "Superman's not a bad guy." The Dark Knight then completely breaks the Clown Prince of Crime's heart when he says: "There is no 'us.' Never will be."
And don't forget about the trailer which focuses on Batman being lonely -- a theme in the movie. And he hates being caught mourning his parents' death -- which Alfred reminds him he's seen in every film incarnation.
Batman tells the painting of himself with his parents outside the Monarch movie theater he saved the city again.
"I think you would have been really proud," he says quietly.
Goofy Batman, Emo Batman. Whatever you call it, the Dark Knight just isn't himself if the Waynes were never murdered.
*drops the gold mic he was holding*